Happy Valentine’s from Andy Barham, Patient Educator

There was a time just a few years ago, where Valentine’s Day would fill me full of dread! It was and still is the focus of so much attention on the ‘romance’ aspect of a relationship. Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, holidays, even ‘Steak & BJ Day’ all carry similar connotations, but with far less intensity or pressure.

If you suffer from Erectile Dysfunction, it rarely wonders far from your consciousness. Influencing and colouring almost every aspect of your daily life. Over time you learn to temper the feelings of inadequacy and the inability to fulfil your partner. Despite all the assurances of ‘it doesn’t matter’ or ‘it’s not that important’ you cannot shake off the dark clouds lingering constantly above you.

I feel particularly sorry for anyone who suffers from ED who does not have a long-term and supportive partner. My wife Sue was almost able to convince me that things were fine, that making love, having sex, was of little or no importance in our otherwise loving relationship. Whilst I would lay in bed at night, eyes wide open in the dark and try to make myself believe this, I could never quite manage to do so. You see, even if what Sue was saying were true, that for her the other aspects of our marriage provided the required levels of contentment and satisfaction, I needed the closeness that only joint sexual gratification could bring.

My ED was brought on following removal of my Prostate, due to cancer. The years that followed were a seemingly endless procession of disappointments.

Viridal was successful to a degree, producing a semblance of an erection. Usable but not ideal, and certainly not conducive to anything close to spontaneousness. The act of injecting oneself in the base of your penis is abhorrent. The fact I was willing to try and persevere says an awful lot about just how desperate I had become. I recall that after one very drunken New Year’s Eve party, Sue and I were staying overnight in a rather swanky hotel. I had taken my syringe and ‘magic’ potion with me with the best of intentions. As it turned out I accidently injected my thumb instead. Whilst I couldn’t perform as I’d hoped to, I would certainly have won any hitchhiking challenge you’d care to throw at me!

If you are reading this and able to enjoy a natural erection, I am genuinely surprised. I would not have thought you would have bothered to read on to the end. There are far more important things you should be doing with your time. If you are currently suffering with ED then know there is light at the end of even the darkest of tunnels. The important thing is to explore all options, talk frankly and openly to others who can empathise and, crucially, never give up on enjoying all the pleasures of Valentine’s Day and all the other days for the rest of your life.

An added comment from Sue… It was perfectly true that the sexual side of our relationship held a lot less importance to me than it obviously did for Andy. What was perfectly plain was seeing the pain and anguish it was causing my husband. Knowing the anxiety he was going through and seeing his self-worth diminish before my eyes. There was little or nothing I could do to bring him out of the dark abyss he had entered.

Since Andy had the operation, we have enjoyed a pretty much normal sex life. It may not be exactly as it once was, but that’s more an age thing than an ability issue. Valentine’s Day is overrated, every day is a good day!

We are both entering semi-retirement and plan to travel for the foreseeable future in our old renovated American RV. Had it not been for the surgical intervention, it is highly likely we would not be embarking on this current adventure.